Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this – somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:

“Congratulations on your new location!”

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted: “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “what would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.

A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.

A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”

“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband. “Take care of these things yourself!”

He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”

He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.

“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”

“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”

An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.  Through his tears, the old man answers, “I’m in love with a 22-year-old woman.”

“Well, what’s wrong with that?” asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.  “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?”

The senile old man answers, again through his tears: “I can’t remember where I live!”

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, “It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn’t find them.”

The second nun said, “I’ve found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.”

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. “You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.”

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. “Good morning, sister,” the pharmacist said, “what can I do for you today?” “I’d like some condoms please,” said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, “How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.” “I’ll take six boxes. That should last about a week,” said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. “Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the ‘big liar’ size.”

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: “I’m not certain, I’m looking for something to put on a camel.”