Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. A story was posted in a newspaper a while ago of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to a shopping center, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with her shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people gathered near her car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the roof of the car and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The car mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?” As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?” “I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.” “Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.” “You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.” As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?” “Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

Here we are Ladies, just for you…..
He Said She Said

He said …  I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said … You wear pants don’t you?

He said … Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said … That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said …. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said …Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said … Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said… I would but you’re never there.

He said … Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said … They don’t have time

He said … How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She sai … We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said … Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said …They already have boyfriends.

She said …What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said…  A widow.

He said … Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said … Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

My first car was a 1984 Jeep CJ7, a pretty sweet ride for a dirt poor teenager in the 90s.  I was working midnights at a gas station and loaned it to my brother who was taking a date to a party.  I got a call around 1AM from my brother who told me he left the keys in the Jeep and it was stolen.  I was devastated. I was still on the phone with my brother when the thieves pulled my Jeep into my gas station to fill up on gas.

As luck would have it, the gas gauge on my Jeep was broken and always read “empty”, and I worked at the only 24 hour gas stations in the area.  I pressed the silent alarm and… proceeded to fill up my Jeep (it was a full serve station). When the thieves were out of the jeep, I saw an opportunity to slip the key out of this ignition and into my pocket.  They paid for the gas, and argued amongst each other who had the keys last. The delay was enough for the police to arrive.

I had to explain the story to the officer half a dozen times before he understood.  The thieves had this stunned look of disbelief on their faces I’ll never forget.  The cops were belly-laughing telling the story to dispatch, all the while the thieves sat in cuffs in the back of the squad car.

The story made most of the major newspapers the following day.

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’ll be worth it. So he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk. “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, and when the farmer points toward the henhouse, he takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse — three or four times. The farmer is shocked.

Later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later still, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again — WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset, Randy is out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

 The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful — and expensive — animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.”