10/05/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10632
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
10/04/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10629
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Onlookers were completely shocked at the men’s behavior, but the old man didn’t seem to be fazed in the slightest.
Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
10/03/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10626
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
10/02/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10622
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What?! There’s no pool here?”
*Long pause* “Uh …. is this 832-4821?”
10/01/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10618
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. He sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replied, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.
The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”