Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.

“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother said, “Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess.”

So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain THAT to you.”

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

Things in the bedroom hadn’t been good for a while, so they were going at it over that.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

He began his working day, and didn’t hear a peep from his wife.

By mid-morning, he decided to make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“I was getting a second opinion.”

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, ‘Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!’

The old man said, ‘There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.’

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison, ‘You’re 87 years Old!’

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess my age?’

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed…..

‘We were at your birthday party yesterday.’