Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

“My bike.”

Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink.

Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25 year duration.

The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. “Might as well pass the time drunk.” He said.

The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. “Might as well have her lovely company.” said he, and the loving wife agreed.

The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. “It’s the only thing that will calm me down all these years.”

They are locked inside, each with his wish.

25 years pass…

It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men.

They open the first prisoner’s door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner, wasted and hardly alive.

Then they open the second prisoner’s door, and a whole family steps out – babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell.

Then they open the third prisoner’s door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand.

“Does anyone,” he asks with a broken voice, “have a light?”

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,’What’s with the money in the jar?’

‘Well… you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up.

And so he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’

‘You must pay first… Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

‘Okay,’ the bartender says, here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!’

The man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot!

I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things’

‘Your call,’ says the bartender… ‘But, your money stays where it is.’

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,he finally says, ‘Where’s the damn tequila?’

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks… But he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.

Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.

He says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to John and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .

“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking.

Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them.

He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination”.

“Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money.

The second guy thanked him enthusiastically.

The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force.

“What was that for?” Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught.

“Next time don’t go so fast! You nearly killed us!”