Daily Joke: Jokes Library

What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.

Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.

“9 am,” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until 9 am?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.

The librarian began to get angry.

“No, not until 9 am,” said the librarian. “Why do you want to get in before 9 am?”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

Everybody on earth died and went to heaven.

On their arrival, God greeted the people and said: “I want the men to make two lines – one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

A little while later, God returned to the pearly gates to check on progress. The women had all gone with St. Peter as he had wished, and the men were split into two lines.

The line containing men that were dominated by women during their earthly lives was 100 miles long, but there was just a single man in the line containing men that dominated their women.

Enraged by this, God said to the men: “You should be ashamed for yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be controlled by your lovers or spouses.”

Turning toward the solitary man, God continued: “Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son – how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

“I don’t know – my wife told me to stand here,” replied the man.

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.

He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.

“Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

GOD said: ?”Adam, I want you to do something for me.?”

“Gladly, Lord,”? replied Adam. “?What do you want me to do?”

“Go down into the valley.”

“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.

God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”?

“What?’s a river?”

God explained it to him, and then continued: “?Go over the hill??.”

“What?s a hill?”?

God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”?

“What?’s a cave??”

After God explained, he said: “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam asked, “?What?’s a woman??”

So God explained that to him too. He continued: “?I want you to reproduce.”?

“How do I do that?”

“Jeez!”? God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.

Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.?

A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…

…?What?’s a headache??”

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Furthermore, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his cousin.

I was appalled, but as the days went on I came to realize that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk…

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician.

“In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”