Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.

Bell 3 rings and we we’re ready to go on the trucks.”

“From now on,” he said, “We’re going to run this house the same way.”

“When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naled.

“When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.

“When I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled,”Bell 1!”

And his wife took off her clothes.

“Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed.

“Bell 3,” and they began to make love.

After two minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4!”

“What the hell is BELL 4?” the husband asks.

“Roll out more hose.” she replied,

“You’re nowhere near the fire!”

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!” She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”

“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”

“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.

Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12.

We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.

He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family.

“And son,” he said, “be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”

“How come, Grandpa?” I asked.

“It makes your pecker look bigger.”

A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window.

She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it.

Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day.

A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is.

She angrily calls his cell phone.

“Where the hell are you?” she asks.

“Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

“Yeah, I remember that my love!” she replies, smiling and blushing profusely as she does.

“I’m in the bar just next to that shop.”

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.

“It is the laser,” said the soldier, a man of obvious superior intellect.

“The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional.”

“No,” interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier’s phenomenal mind.

“It is the radar. With a radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch.”

“I disagree,” said the airman, a man of, well he’s an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool.

“The greatest invention is the thermos.”

“The thermos?” exclaimed the other two.

“Yup, a thermos,” he said. “I mean, just think about it.

If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it.”

“Yeah, so?” quizzed the other two.

“Well,” said the airman, “How does it know?”