Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It’s been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home. Living in Washington D.C, he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he could have anticipated.

Bewildered, since he hadn’t heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down and then driving off.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!”

“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed John.

“And they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.”

“Jeez Louise!” moaned John.

“Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!”

“Lord have mercy!” cried John.

“We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asked John.

“About a gallon.”

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream color.”

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!” He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. “In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.” Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “Green side up!”

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out of my window each time I tell you what color I’d like a room?”

The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street.”

A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow.”

A man, called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice.

“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.” But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. “Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!”

“Simple”, replied the Priest. “It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.”

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”

The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead,” replied Cohen in contempt. “Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes real skill.”