Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says,”Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.”

Marv smiles and says, “Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?”

Bernie says, “You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?”

Marv grins again, “Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…”

“Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife…

“Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?”

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him. “Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “yes, I remember. So?”

“Well…I would have gotten out today!”

A minister gave a talk to the Lion’s Club on sex.

When he got home he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice.

The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!”

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”