Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the house is just gorgeous but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”

Then she explained to her second son, “Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t drive and I really don’t like that driver, so please return the car.”

Next, she went to son number three and said, “Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious.”

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”

“In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

Upon reaching 65, Bill decided to retire.
After having him under foot for A few months, his wife
became very agitated with him.

She suggested he go And do something to occupy his time,
like join a club or get a hobby.
Bill obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, “Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

“What? Are you nuts?
You’re 65 years old and you’re going to start
Jumping out of airplanes?”

“Yeah, look I even got a membership card.”

“Old man, you need glasses!

This is a membership in a Prostitute Club,
not a Parachute Club!”

“Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!”

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines  at the casino.

Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone,  she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench  to wait for the other.

Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited.

After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

“Hey, Trixie,” said Patty, “how’d you do?””Not very good,” came the reply.   “I’ve been waiting here for hours.”

Patty said: “You should have been with me did I ever find a  good machine!  It’s way in the back.  Come! I’ll show it to you . . . you can’t lose!  Ever time you put a dollar in,

you win four quarters!”

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t  seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge  red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,  “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front  of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes  turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,  “By the way, how did you make out?  Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”