Daily Joke: Jokes Library

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. .. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big t*ts.

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it.
While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.
The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.
When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”

A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that  they didn’t produce the desired results.

“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.

“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said,  “Shoving them up my ass?”

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn’t want to eat his broccoli.

Eat your broccoli! – says the mother.

No! – exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

What did you tell him?

I told him that if he didn’t eat his broccoli, his mickey wouldn’t grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

What was that for? – he asks, confused.

FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes. After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant sexual demands.

The woman went to see a lawyer to assist with the procedure, as well as discuss the terms of the divorce. After making her thoughts known to the divorce attorney, he questioned her saying: “Don’t you love him anymore?”

The wife replied, “Oh, I still love him, but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”

The lawyer thought for a while and suggested to help save his client’s marriage.

He said “Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time you want to make love?”

The woman thought the suggestion was a good idea and decided to give it a try, hopeful that there was a chance to still live happily with the love of her life.

She left the attorney’s office and headed home hurriedly, but immediately she stepped into her house, her husband made his sexual advancements again.

She said, shoving him off in the process, “Not so fast! From now on, it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”

Without further ado, the anxious husband pulled out a dollar bill and handed it to his wife. He said, “Well then, here’s $50.”

The wife received the note and started making her way to the bedroom, but her husband stopped her in earnest, pulling her to him.

“Hold on. That would be five times in the kitchen.”