Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.

Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”

Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”

Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”

Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.

Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”

The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies

Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him. “Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.” Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him. “Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three questions. Would that be alright?” Forrest nodded.

“Ok, Forrest, how many seconds are in a year?” Forrest thought for a moment and confidently answered “twelve”. Saint Peter was befuddled. “12?! You believe there are 12 seconds in a year?? Please explain.” Forrest replied. “Well, there’s January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, Apr-“ Saint Peter interrupted Forrest, “ok, I suppose you’re technically correct. That will do.” Forrest cracked a smile.

“Alright, Forrest, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” Forrest thought for a moment, furrowed his brow a bit, and then replied “four”. Saint Peter, again taken off guard, says to Forrest, “4?! How on Earth do you get 4??” Forrest looks Saint Peter in the eye and said, “well, you got Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow.” Saint Peter nearly fell over with incredulity. “Ok, I suppose that’s also technically correct.” Forrest’s smile grew.

“Ok, Forrest, lastly, what is God’s real name?” Forrest thought about the question, his brow wrinkled, a little bit of sweat began to form on his forehead. Then, Forrest’s eyes grew and he said, with booming authority, “Andy! God’s real name is Andy!” Saint Peter slammed his hands down onto the podium, “ANDY?! How, please tell me, did you arrive at ANDY!?” Forrest looked Saint Peter dead in the eye and said “Like the song says, ‘Andy walks with, Andy talks with me-“ Saint Peter sheepishly looked at Forrest and said “welcome to Heaven, Mr. Gump.”

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million … and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony — a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt. The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

She gave him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I want is s_x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night — tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?” asked the old lady.

“That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

Little Billy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a b_tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b_tch is nine.”

In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.

“Billy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?”

Little Billy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”

She said, “And is that what your teacher taught you?”

He replied, “Yes.”

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Billy’s school to talk to the teacher.

The mother said to his math teacher, “I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition problems.”

Billy’s mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b_tch is four?”

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, “Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.”