Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife,
but his wife wasn’t there. She had awakened and was
preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he
might spoil ‘the moment’ by getting up, so he
called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.  It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:
I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.” The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the 3M Company.”

The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.” The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the four seasons hotel.”

The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall. The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? He replies, “No, I’m screwed! I work for 7UP.”

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said ‘Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?’

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill . Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thankya, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.’ ‘Don’t be flattered… Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.’

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks,
“Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks,
“What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies,
“I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments,
the first old lady asks…
“Who drives you to the beach?”

An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium. After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”

The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that crap-eatin’ grin off your face.”