Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said “put you are getting older but you! are getting better”.
The salesman asked “how do you want me to put it?”
The man said ‘Well…put “You are getting older” at the top and “but you are getting better” at the bottom.’
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were agape at the message on the cake.
It read: “You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!”

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
walked up behind him and whacked him on the head
with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’
he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when
she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time
with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked,
‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’

A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.
Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She’s astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these bxxbs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt – it’s firm, doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, he stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – THAT WAS ME!”

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says,
“where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?
What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my manhood.”
“What the hell were you thinking?
Why did you get a hundred “dollar bill on your penis?”
“Well, number one,
I like to watch my money grow.
Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
home and blow a hundred bucks”.

The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.

A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. The doctor said Wow I have never seen you hit so well before! Marie says, I took lessons.

On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home. Marie brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and the doctor says Wow I have never seen you cook like this before! She says, I took lessons.

After dinner she gives him That look and they go upstairs. About 30 minutes later the doctor rolls over and says Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.