Daily Joke: Jokes Library

First-year medical students were attending their very first anatomy lesson with an actual cadaver.

They gathered around the operating table where the body lay under a white sheet.

The professor began by saying, “In medicine, there are two essential qualities every doctor must have. The first is that nothing about the human body should disgust you.”

He then pulled back the sheet, inserted his finger into the cadaver’s anus, removed it, and placed the finger in his mouth.

“Now do exactly as I did,” he instructed. Horrified, the students hesitated, but one by one they reluctantly repeated the action.

After everyone finished, the professor addressed the class again: “The second essential quality is observation. I put my middle finger in, but I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention details matter.”

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are standing around one morning, waiting for the world’s slowest group of golfers. Their tee time is slipping away, and their patience is slipping faster.

Engineer: “What is going on? I’ve aged 25 minutes out here!”

Doctor: “I’ve treated coma patients who move faster than this.”

Priest: “Hold on—here comes the greenskeeper. Time for some holy interrogation.”

Priest: “Hey George, quick question. What’s up with that group ahead of us? They’re moving like they’re on dial-up internet.”

George: “Oh, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year. We let them play anytime, free of charge.”

(Awkward silence hits like a shanked golf ball.)

Priest: “That’s heartbreaking. I’ll offer a special prayer for them tonight.”

Doctor: “I’ll call my ophthalmologist friend. Maybe there’s something we can do.”

Engineer: “Or… hear me out… why don’t they just play at night?”

With all the wild advances in fertility tech these days, my 65-year-old friend actually gave birth. When she finally got home from the hospital, I rushed over to meet the baby.

“Can I see the new baby?” I asked.

“Not yet,” she said. “Let me make us some coffee first.”

Thirty minutes later…

“Okay… can I see the baby now?”

“Nope. Not yet.”

A few more minutes passed.

“Alright seriously—can I please see the baby now?”

“No. Not yet.”

At this point I was losing my mind. “Then WHEN can I see him?”

“When he cries!” she snapped.

“WHEN HE CRIES?! Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?”

She threw her hands up and said, “BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I PUT HIM, ALRIGHT?!”

A man in his mid-forties had just purchased a new BMW and decided to take it out on the interstate for a relaxing evening drive. With the top down and the wind blowing through the little hair he had left, he wondered what the car could really do.

As the speedometer climbed to 80 mph, he suddenly noticed red and blue lights flashing behind him. Thinking, “No way a police car can catch a BMW,” he pushed the accelerator even harder.

He hit 90, then 100, before common sense kicked in and he realized outrunning the police was a bad idea. He eased off the gas and pulled over.

The officer approached, silently took his license, and looked over both the man and the vehicle.

“It’s been a long day, my shift is almost over, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t want to deal with extra paperwork. If you can give me a reason for your speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man paused, then said, “Last week, my wife ran off with a police officer. I was afraid you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good weekend,” the officer replied, and walked away.

A runaway criminal, trying to ditch the police, bolts straight into the desert with about two drops of water to his name. Naturally, he finishes it in five minutes and spends the next few hours waddling under the desert sun like an overcooked penguin.

Just when he’s ready to give up on life, he spots something way off in the shimmering distance. Convinced it’s an oasis, he summons the last bit of dignity he has left and sprints toward it only to find a tiny old man standing behind a tiny stand… selling ties. Just ties.

“Hey! Old man! Got any water?” gasps the criminal.

The old man shrugs. “No water left. But I do have ties. Only five bucks each.”

The criminal explodes. “Are you kidding me? Do I look like I need a tie? If I wasn’t dying, I’d strangle you with one!”

“No need for violence,” sniffs the tie seller. “But even though you’re rude and clearly have no fashion sense, I’ll help you anyway. Walk three miles over that hill and you’ll find a restaurant—great food, endless ice-cold water. Good luck.”

Grumbling insults under his breath, the criminal stumbles off.

Hours later, the tie seller looks up to see the same man crawling—literally crawling—back over the dune like a dehydrated lizard. He collapses at the old man’s feet, wheezing.

“You alright?” asks the tie seller, leaning in to hear the whisper.

“They… won’t… let me in… without… a tie…”