Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly man in Oklahoma rings his son in New York and says, “I hate to spoil your day, son, but I need to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. After 45 years of marriage, we’ve had enough misery.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son shouts.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other anymore,” his father replies. “We’re fed up, and I’m tired of explaining it. You call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her.”

Panicked, the son phones his sister. She immediately erupts. “Absolutely not! They are not getting divorced. I’ll sort this out.”

She calls her elderly father straight away and yells, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t you dare do anything!”

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife. “Well,” he says, “that’s it sorted. They’re both coming for Christmas—and paying their own airfare.”

A travel agent glanced up from his desk and noticed an elderly lady and gentleman standing outside his shop window, gazing at the posters of glamorous destinations from around the world.

He’d been having a great week, and seeing the rather downcast couple stirred an unexpected wave of generosity.

Calling them inside, he said,
“I know that living on a pension, a holiday like this would normally be out of reach. So I’m sending you to a fabulous resort—on me—and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He ushered them in, instructed his secretary to issue two plane tickets, and booked them into a five-star hotel.

Naturally, they accepted with delight and soon set off on their adventure.

About a month later, the little old lady returned to the shop.

“And how was your holiday?” the agent asked eagerly.

“The flight was thrilling, and the room was beautiful,” she replied.
“I just came to thank you—but there’s one thing that puzzled me…”

“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”

A blonde wanders into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy New Year.

“Well,” the bartender says, “rates are pretty steep on New Year’s. I’ll need a couple of dollars.”

“Oh no,” she sighs. “I don’t have a penny. This is my first holiday away from my family—what am I supposed to do?”

The bartender thinks for a moment, then smiles. “Why don’t you step back here behind the bar? I’m sure we can figure something out.”

Grateful, the blonde hurries behind the bar just as the bartender unzips his fly. Gesturing downward, he says, “Alright, sweetheart, just put your mouth up to this.”

Eager to comply, she kneels down, leans in, and innocently says, “Hello, Mom?”

An elderly couple from Arizona, both in their late 80s, visited a relationship therapist.

The doctor asked, “How can I help you?”

The husband replied, “Would you mind watching us have intercourse?”

Surprised but curious—given their age—the therapist agreed.

After they finished, the doctor said, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how you’re doing it.” He thanked them, wished them well, charged $50, and sent them on their way.

The following week, the couple returned and made the same request. Though puzzled, the doctor agreed again.

This went on for several weeks. Each time, the couple booked an appointment, had intercourse without issue, paid the fee, and left.

After three months, the doctor finally asked, “I have to know—what exactly are you trying to find out?”

The man replied, “Nothing at all. She’s married, so we can’t go to her place. I’m married, so we can’t go to mine.

The Holiday Inn costs $98. The Hilton charges $139. Here it’s $50—and best of all, Medicare covers $43 of it.”

A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller. From her nameplate, he sees her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack,” the frog says, “I’d like a $30,000 loan to go on holiday.”

Patty stares at him in disbelief and asks for his name.
“Kermit Jagger,” he replies. “My dad’s Mick Jagger—and it’s fine, I know the bank manager.”

Patty explains that a loan like that requires collateral.
“No problem,” says the frog, pulling out a tiny, perfectly made porcelain elephant—bright pink and barely an inch tall.

Completely baffled, Patty tells him she’ll need to check with the manager and heads to the back office.

She says, “There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who says he knows you and wants to borrow $30,000. He’s offering this as collateral.” She holds up the little pink elephant. “What on earth is this supposed to be?”

The manager looks at it, smiles, and says:
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”