Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A police officer was walking his beat when he noticed a trail of $50 bills leading into a narrow alley. Curious, he followed it and found an elderly woman dragging two rubbish bags, one of them leaking money as it scraped along the ground.

He stopped her and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, but one of your bags has a hole in it.”

She thanked him warmly. Still puzzled, the officer asked, “If you don’t mind me asking, where did all this money come from?”

“Well, officer,” she replied, “I live at the end of the street, right next to a very popular bar. I don’t mind the noise, but every night drunk men relieve themselves all over my garden.”

She shook her head and continued, “So last night I waited there with my pruning shears. Whenever someone pulled it out, I said, ‘Fifty dollars, or I cut it off.’”

The officer laughed, amused by the image, and waved her on. As she turned to leave, he joked, “So is the second bag full of money too?”

She smiled and said, “Not everyone chooses to pay.”

Three women die and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter greets them and explains the only rule:

“Whatever you do, don’t step on the ducks.”

They enter and quickly realize heaven is absolutely covered in ducks. Despite being careful, the first woman eventually slips and steps on one.

Instantly, St. Peter appears with the ugliest man she’s ever seen. He chains them together and says, “The punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man.”

The next day, the second woman also accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up again, this time with another painfully ugly man, and chains them together with the same warning.

Watching all this, the third woman becomes extremely cautious. She carefully avoids every duck and manages to go months without a single mistake.

Then one day, St. Peter approaches her with the most handsome man she has ever seen. Without explanation, he chains them together and walks away.

Delighted, the woman turns to the man and asks, “I have no idea what I did to deserve this.”

The man sighs and replies, “I’m not sure about you… but I stepped on a duck.”

One evening, a man walking home noticed a drunk on his hands and knees under a streetlight, carefully searching the ground.

Curious, the man asked what he was looking for. The drunk explained that he’d tripped earlier and his Rolex had fallen off his wrist.

Feeling sorry for him, the man knelt down and helped search. After several minutes with no luck, he finally asked where the man had actually fallen.

“About half a block up the road,” the drunk replied.

Confused, the man asked, “Then why are you looking for it here?”

The drunk shrugged. “The light’s much better here.”

A top jockey was about to ride a new horse in a major race. Beforehand, the trainer pulled him aside and said, “There’s just one thing you must remember. Every time you come up to a jump, you have to shout ‘ALLLEEE OOOP!’ as loudly as you can right into the horse’s ear. Do that, and everything will be fine.”

The jockey thought the trainer had lost his mind, but he agreed.

The race started, and as they reached the first hurdle, the jockey ignored the strange advice. The horse smashed straight through the middle of the jump.

Approaching the second hurdle, the jockey, now a bit uneasy, muttered “aleeee ooop” under his breath. The result was the same—the horse plowed straight through the jump again.

By the third hurdle, the jockey decided he had nothing to lose. He yelled “ALLLEEE OOOP!” at the top of his lungs. Instantly, the horse cleared the jump perfectly. From then on, every jump went smoothly—but because of the early mistakes, they only managed to finish third.

After the race, the furious trainer demanded to know what had gone wrong.

The jockey snapped back, “There’s nothing wrong with me—it’s this stupid horse! What is he, deaf or something?”

“Deaf?” the trainer shouted. “DEAF?! You fool—he’s not deaf… he’s BLIND!”