Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A frog hops into a bank and slides up to the teller.

He glances at her nameplate: Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack,” he croaks, “I’d like to borrow $30,000 for a tropical getaway.”

Patty blinks. “And your name is…?”

“Kermit Jagger,” he says proudly. “My dad? Mick Jagger. And I’m tight with the bank manager — you can trust me.”

Patty sighs. “Loan rules are rules. You’ll need collateral.”

The frog nods. “No problem.” He pulls out a tiny, glossy pink porcelain elephant — about an inch tall, flawless craftsmanship.

Patty stares. “This… is your collateral?”

She takes it to the manager’s office, holding it up like a mystery artifact.

“There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there,” she says. “Claims he knows you. Wants $30K. Says this little pink elephant is his ‘security.’”

The manager looks at the elephant… then at Patty.

He smiles.

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog the loan — his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Two eighty-year-old pensioners decide to take a stroll down memory lane and revisit the place where they first met.

While sitting at a café, the old gentleman says, “Do you remember the first time we met here, over fifty years ago? We left this café, went around the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the time of your life.”

“Oh yes, dear, I remember it very well,” the old lady replies with a mischievous smile.

“Well then, for old times’ sake, let’s go back there and do it again.”

They settle the bill and head off. A young man nearby, having overheard the conversation, can’t help but follow along out of curiosity.

Behind the gas works, the old lady lifts her dress and grabs the fence. The old man steps in, and what follows is ten minutes of the most energetic, unstoppable action the young man has ever witnessed. Movement everywhere, not a pause, not a breath spared. When it’s finally over, the couple collapse and lie still for a full hour.

The young man is absolutely speechless. He’s never seen anything like it in his life.

When the couple eventually get dressed, the young man gathers his courage and approaches the old man.

“Sir,” he says, “that was unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like that, especially at your age. What’s your secret? Could you do that fifty years ago?”

The old man grins and replies, “Not a chance, son. Fifty years ago, that fence wasn’t electrified.”

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous actress Scarlett Johansson washes ashore on a deserted island. Hours go by before one other survivor appears. A random man from the ship is the only other person to make it.

They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck. However, he definitely knew who she was.

At first, surviving is difficult. Food is scarce, and shelter is basic. Over time, though, the man learns how to fish, build shelter, and collect fresh water. Slowly, life improves.

Eventually, he builds a solid cabin. He even creates a working water system and a few clever comforts to make daily life easier. Because of this, the two grow close.

They take care of each other. As months pass, feelings develop. After all, there is no one else on the island.

One night, passion takes over, and they become a couple. From that point on, they live together with a surprisingly active love life.

Then something changes.

The man grows distant. He seems distracted. Clearly, something is bothering him.

“What’s wrong?” Scarlett asks.

“Nothing,” he replies, every time.

Finally, she insists. She tells him she truly cares and will do anything to make him happy again.

“Anything?” he asks.

“Yes. Anything.”

First, he asks her to change clothes. She puts on work jeans and a loose shirt that washed ashore. Then he asks her to flatten her chest, tuck her hair under a hat, and even draw on a beard and moustache with soot.

Confused but determined, she agrees.

Next, he hands her sunglasses.

“Now walk down the beach,” he says. “I’ll catch up.”

As she walks, she doubts herself. Maybe she’s done something wrong. Maybe it’s not her at all.

Suddenly, the man runs up, grabs her shoulder, spins her around, and says:

“Mate, you won’t believe who I’ve been sleeping with for the past six months.”

Four brothers left home for college and went on to become very successful—doctors and lawyers who prospered greatly. Years later, after sharing dinner together, they began talking about the gifts they had given their elderly mother, who lived alone in another city.

The first brother said, “I had a large house built just for Mum.”

The second added, “I installed a home theatre in her house—worth over a hundred thousand dollars.”

The third said proudly, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a brand-new SL600.”

The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mum loves the Bible, but her eyesight is failing and she can’t read anymore. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers twelve years to teach him. I had to donate $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Now Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

The other brothers were amazed.

After the holidays, their mother sent thank-you notes.

To the first she wrote, “Milton, the house you built is enormous. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the whole place. Still, thank you.”

To the second: “Marvin, I’m too old to travel. I stay at home and have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was kind—thank you.”

To the third: “Michael, the theatre you gave me is very expensive and holds fifty people, but all my friends have passed on, I can hardly hear, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it, but thank you for the gesture.”

And to the fourth she wrote, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son with enough sense to choose the perfect gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

An elderly man in Oklahoma rings his son in New York and says, “I hate to spoil your day, son, but I need to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. After 45 years of marriage, we’ve had enough misery.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son shouts.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other anymore,” his father replies. “We’re fed up, and I’m tired of explaining it. You call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her.”

Panicked, the son phones his sister. She immediately erupts. “Absolutely not! They are not getting divorced. I’ll sort this out.”

She calls her elderly father straight away and yells, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t you dare do anything!”

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife. “Well,” he says, “that’s it sorted. They’re both coming for Christmas—and paying their own airfare.”