07/26/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20920
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far away and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had the problem of how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said,
“Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested,
“Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said,
“Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied,
“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
07/25/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20907
The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words,
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon……day
Does anyone know another word?
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says ” I know a four-syllable word, pick me…..”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
“O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “Mas…tur…ba…tion.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
“Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful”
No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that’s only two syllables.
07/24/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20903
A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck.
The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash.
The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre.
The man explains that the duck is his service pet.
However, because he didn’t have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasn’t allowed in.
The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants.
With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in.
The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two ladies.
About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath.
The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around.
One lady nudges the other lady and exclaims,
“Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants.”
The lady furthest away says,
“Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all”.
The other lady replies,
“Yes, that’s what I thought, but this one’s eating my popcorn”.
07/23/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20899
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
07/22/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20895
A man rubs a magic lamp, and a genie appears.
“You get one wish,” says the genie.
The man replies, “I’m scared of flying and boats. I wish for a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can drive there.”
The genie rolls his eyes. “Do you have any idea what you’re asking? That’s thousands of miles, structural engineering beyond belief… Wish for something else.”
The man nods and says, “Alright… then I wish to see the Epstein client list.”
The genie swallows hard… “Two lanes or four on that bridge?”