07/31/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20946
With all the new fertility tech these days, a 65‑year‑old friend of mine just gave birth.
When she got home from the hospital, I went to visit.
“Can I see the baby?” I asked.
“Not yet,” she said. “Let’s have some coffee first.”
Half an hour later, I asked again.
“Not yet,” she said.
A few more minutes passed.
“Okay… can I see the baby NOW?”
“Not yet.”
Finally, I snapped. “WHEN can I see the baby?”
She threw up her hands and yelled:
“WHEN HE CRIES! I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM!”
07/30/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20943
The phone bill came in sky-high, so the dad called a family meeting.
Dad: “This is outrageous! I don’t even use the home phone — I use my work phone!”
Mom: “Same here, I always use my company phone.”
Son: “I use my office mobile. I never touch the home phone.”
They all turned and stared at the maid, who had been listening quietly.
Maid: “Well… we all use our work phones, so what’s the problem?”
07/29/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20933
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”
The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane.
Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.
There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.
More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.
The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff.
As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway.
The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway.
The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”
07/28/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20926
There once was a woman with 100 children. She was too tired to give each of them individual, unique names, so she decided to just name them “One”, “Two”, “Three”, and so on until “Hundred”.
Years pass and all the children have grown up. Some have marriages, but none have children except for Ninety.
One day, while Ninety’s children were playing outside, they stumbled upon a stray dog.
They wanted to keep it, but they knew Ninety would be against it so they hid it.
One of the children had the idea to name it “This” so that they would be able to talk about it around their mom without her knowing.
They would say “Let’s go take This outside” and other similar things, and sure enough, Ninety never knows about This. In fact, no one ever knows about it other than the children.
Unfortunately, one day, This dies in an accident while the children weren’t paying attention. Once the kids find out, they silently agree to never talk about it, and keep it to their deathbeds. Sure enough, no one else hears about This ever again.
Only Ninety’s kids remember This.
07/27/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20923
After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi-million dollar home. Since Jake had better lawyers, he prevailed. He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes and crates.
On the 2nd day, she had two movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything- cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were the sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, Jake and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…
Including the curtain rods.