Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, piranhas, and many other lethal creatures.

The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them three wishes.

Nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and partying.

Suddenly, there was a big splash. The host looked and saw a man swimming for his life across the tank. Thankfully, he made it across in one piece.

The host walked over to the man and said, “Alright – you made it! WOW! What are your three wishes?”

The man replied: “First, you see that shotgun of yours? Give it to me. Second, see those bullets over there? Give them to me too. Third, show me the jerk that pushed me in.”

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.

The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.

Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.

“Well,” the man says,

“I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”

“What kind of question?” the neighbour asks.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”

“That’s easy,” says the neighbour.

“You just say, ‘Of course, I will’.”

“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I MEANT to say.

But what came OUT was, ‘Of course I do’.”

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,”I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the Green Beret, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret’s boot and spit in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Green Beret asked. “This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?”

John goes to the deli for some soup. After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.

When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”

John says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”

John says, “Taste this soup.”

The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds – vegetable, Italian Ministrone?”

John says, “Taste this soup!”

The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.

He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”

“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”

A 95-year-old man and a 94-year-old woman are in front of the divorce court judge.

The judge asks how long they’ve been married.

The man says, “75 years.”

The judge says, “Just so I understand the facts, you’re 95, she’s 94, you’ve been married for 75 years, and you want a divorce now? At this time of your life?”

The wife pipes up, “We’ve wanted a divorce for decades, but we had to wait for the children to die.”